To All the Incels Out There: Sex is Not That Important!

With the tragic recent attacks of the so-called incels (involuntary celibates) and the highlighting of a particularly hateful and destructive ideology (if you can even call it that), we need to ask the question; why is sex so important to these guys? Why is sex so important in our culture in the first place?

It really isn't. Sure, sex is fun and intimacy is very important, but there's a lot of fun things in life; rollercoasters, drinks with friends, traveling, playing basketball, whatever. Intimacy can't be replicated so easily, but friends and family can help.

While I have no sympathy for the small and noxious community of self-described incels, I do empathize with literal incels who don't define themselves as such. It sucks to be rejected and feel unloved and unwanted. 

But getting a girlfriend (or boyfriend) won't automatically fix that. There are lots of terrible relationships; be they abusive or simply incompatible. 

I think part of the problem is that there is this perverted perception out there that everyone is having tons of sex. So FOMO gets transferred to sex. In real life, the amount of sex that's happening is going down. The median number of sex partners, according to a large study of people between the ages of 15 and 44, is 3.2 for women and 5.1 for men. And according to another study, the idea of "hookup culture" is almost completely a myth. 

Yet all you see in the movies, television and media is sex, sex, sex. Porn on the Internet and romance novels (or more accurately, porn novels) on the book shelves. It's all fake though. And remember, the most popular kids in high school rarely do the best in life. Just imagine some 35 year old working at McDonald's bragging about how much sex he had in high school. That should help.

Instead of obsessing about sex or the lack thereof, focus on improving your grades, learning skills and finding enjoyable hobbies. These will benefit you down the road. Try to make friends, particularly with members of your own sex where there isn't any sexual tension or feelings. Learn to have fun! 

As you develop and improve yourself, your confidence will grow. And there's nothing women find more attractive than confidence. (This is not to be confused with assholeish bravado, yeah, some girls may like that stuff, but those girls are trouble.) At that point, perhaps you can find a girlfriend. Or perhaps not. You shouldn't worry about. It's not the end of the world if you don't get laid. Getting laid doesn't make you a good person and not getting laid doesn't make you a bad person. Despite our cultural obsession with sex, it really just is not that important.

Focus on improving yourself, making friends and developing your confidence. The rest will fall into place in good time.